Pappa wants mamma naked
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
