It's Friday. Sex?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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