The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
