we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
