I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
