you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
