i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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