Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
