I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
