I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
