So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
