I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
