I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
