I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
