Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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