I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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