someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
