I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
