Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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