he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
