I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
