hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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