Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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