I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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