I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
