I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
