he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
