i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
