so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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