Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
false alarm. still invincible.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
