I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
