Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
