It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
