Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
