I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
