I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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