Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
