We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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