My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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