Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
