So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Randomize
