White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
