he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
