i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
