Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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