oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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