cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
