my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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