No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
