My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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