i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
