I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
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