What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
